As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve noticed something that surprises many people: we spend years learning how to care for others, communicate with partners, support friends, and strengthen our relationships—but very little time learning how to build a relationship with ourselves.

Many people come into therapy believing they need more confidence, less anxiety, stronger boundaries, or greater self-esteem. While these are all meaningful goals, they often have something important in common: they begin with the relationship you have with yourself.

Like any meaningful relationship, the one you have with yourself requires attention, honesty, compassion, and consistency. It isn’t something you’re simply born knowing how to do—it’s something you develop over time.

That’s one of the reasons this topic feels so important to me, not only as a therapist but also as a person.

Over the past year, I’ve found myself doing this work, too. After months of caring for others—both at home and at work—while placing my own health on the back burner, I realized I wasn’t offering myself the same compassion, attention, or consistency that I so freely gave to everyone else.

This year, I’ve been working on changing that—not through dramatic overhauls, but through small, consistent choices. I’ll share a few of those along the way.

So, what does it actually mean to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself? Let’s explore.

What Does It Mean to Have a Relationship With Yourself?

Think about the qualities that make you feel safe, valued, and connected in your closest relationships. Chances are, you appreciate people who:

Listen without immediately judging.
Keep their promises.
Offer compassion when you’re struggling.
Celebrate your successes.
Respect your boundaries.
Stay curious about your thoughts and feelings.

Now ask yourself:

Do I offer those same things to myself?

For many people, the answer is no.

We are often our own harshest critics. We dismiss our emotions, overlook our needs, and hold ourselves to standards we would never expect from someone we love.

Building a relationship with yourself means becoming someone you can trust, understand, and care for—even during the moments when life feels difficult.

Why It Matters

As your relationship with yourself grows stronger, you become less dependent on outside validation to determine your worth.

You begin making choices based more on your values than your fears.

You learn to recognize your emotions instead of avoiding them.

And your relationships with others become healthier because you’re no longer asking them to provide everything you haven’t yet learned to offer yourself.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never struggle. It means you’ll have a stronger foundation to return to when challenges arise.

“Like any meaningful relationship, the one you have with yourself requires attention, honesty, compassion, and consistency. It isn’t something you’re simply born knowing how to do—it’s something you develop over time.” ~Samantha Jones, LMFT

Start with These Five Strategies

1. Schedule Time With Yourself

We make appointments with coworkers, friends, doctors, and family members. Yet many of us rarely set aside intentional time to simply be with ourselves.

Try scheduling 20–30 minutes each week that belong only to you.

Maybe that looks like sitting in a coffee shop, taking yourself out to dinner, or enjoying your own company without immediately reaching for distractions. It could also look like taking a walk without your phone, reading for pleasure, creating something, listening to music, or doing anything that allows you to be present with yourself.

The goal isn’t productivity.

The goal is presence.

During that time, ask yourself:

“What do I actually need today?”

2. Notice How You Speak to Yourself

Your inner dialogue shapes the way you experience your life. For one day, simply notice how you speak to yourself.

When you catch thoughts like:

“I’m so lazy.”
“I always mess everything up.”
“I’m not good enough.”

Pause and ask:

“Would I say this to someone I deeply care about?”

If the answer is no, consider replacing criticism with honesty and compassion.

Instead of:

“I failed.”

Try:

“That didn’t go the way I hoped, but I can learn from this.”

Self-compassion isn’t about making excuses. It’s about creating an environment where growth becomes possible.

3. Learn Your Emotional Language

Many of us were never taught how to identify emotions beyond words like “good,” “fine,” or “stressed.”

Spend a few moments each day asking yourself:

What am I feeling?
What happened before I felt this way?
What might this emotion be trying to tell me?

Emotions are information, not enemies.

The more you understand them, the less likely they are to overwhelm you.

4. Keep Small Promises to Yourself

Trust is built through consistency.

Just as trust grows in any relationship, trust with yourself grows when you keep the promises you make to yourself.

When you repeatedly make commitments you don’t follow through on, your relationship with yourself can begin to feel unreliable.

Start small.

Instead of saying:

“I’m going to completely change my life.”

Try:

“I’ll drink one glass of water each morning.”
“I’ll stretch for five minutes.”
“I’ll journal twice this week.”
“I’ll go to bed 30 minutes earlier tonight.”

Every promise you keep quietly reminds you:

“I can count on myself.”

For years, I talked about taking a solo trip. This year, I finally did it.

It didn’t happen overnight. It happened because I kept one small promise to myself after another—like setting aside money each month. Those small promises eventually became something much bigger.

If there’s a goal you’ve been dreaming about, remember that lasting change is rarely built all at once. It begins with the small promises you choose to keep today.

5. Choose Curiosity Over Judgment

One of the most healing questions you can ask yourself is:

“What makes sense about this?”

Instead of asking:

“Why am I like this?”

Try asking:

What need might I be trying to meet?
What fear is showing up?
What experience may have shaped this response?
What would help me right now?

Curiosity opens the door to understanding. Criticism usually closes it.

When I finally took my solo trip, I discovered that keeping promises to myself was only part of the experience. Once I arrived, I also had to practice choosing curiosity over judgment.

As I watched others in my group connect with their friends or loved ones, I was on my own. My inner critic started telling me I didn’t belong because I had come alone.

But with curiosity, I was able to see something different: while spending intentional time with myself felt lonely at moments, it was also restorative. It was exactly what I needed after a heavy year.

Remember: Growth Is a Relationship, Not a Destination

Building a relationship with yourself doesn’t mean you’ll always feel confident, calm, or at peace.

Some days, you’ll feel deeply connected to yourself.

Other days, you’ll find yourself returning to old patterns.

That’s part of being human.

Healthy relationships aren’t defined by perfection. They’re defined by repair.

When you notice yourself falling into self-criticism, avoidance, or people-pleasing, you don’t have to start over.

You simply come back.

Again and again.

Because you are worth showing up for.

A Gentle Challenge for This Week

At the end of each day, ask yourself:

How did I take care of myself today?
What did I need that I may have overlooked?
What is one thing I can do for myself tomorrow?

The answers don’t need to be profound.

They simply need to be honest.

Because the relationship you have with yourself isn’t built through one life-changing moment.

It’s built through hundreds of small moments when you choose to listen, care, forgive, and show up for yourself.

Over time, those moments become something incredibly powerful:

A relationship that feels safe.
A relationship built on trust.
A relationship that supports you wherever life takes you.

Because at the end of the day, the relationship you’ll have for your entire life is the one you have with yourself.

And just like any meaningful relationship, it grows stronger every time you choose to show up for it.

If this resonated and you’d like to do more of this kind of work with the support of a therapist, click here to set up a free consultation!

Building the Most Important Relationship: 5 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship With Yourself