What to Expect in Couples Therapy
Takeaway: Starting couples therapy is a big decision, especially if you’re new to counseling. In this blog post, I demystify the process by giving you the inside scoop on what to expect from couples therapy based on my professional experience as a couple’s therapist. Let’s dive in!
What is the couples therapy process like?
Don't worry—we'll get into all the details about what to expect in couples therapy. But for now, let's start with the basics: logistics. Here, I'll walk you through the process of starting couples counseling step-by-step so you feel prepared to begin the process.
Searching for a therapist
So you and your partner have made the decision to work with a couples therapist. That's great! You've already overcome one of the toughest parts of the process. Seeking professional help takes courage, so kudos to you.
Now you actually need to find a therapist. Thankfully, there are plenty of ways to do this, and you have a ton of options.
Search engines like Google are a simple place to start. Search for a phrase like "marriage counseling" or "relationship counseling" along with your city to find therapists in your local area. For example, searching "couples therapy in Chicago" will show results for couples therapists in the greater Chicago area (like me).
You can also use directories, like Psychology Today, to find a mental health professional near you. Most directories allow you to filter your search by things like the gender of the clinician, price range, and more.
Scheduling initial consultations
Once you've narrowed down your options, it's time to reach out. Most therapists offer free consultations that typically last ten to thirty minutes, depending on the clinician.
During a consultation, you'll have the opportunity to tell the couples therapist a bit more about your situation and what you're hoping to get out of therapy. You'll also learn more about the therapist and get a better feel for their approach.
Consultations are a great way to see which couples therapists you might work best with. Choosing a therapist is about more than their credentials: their energy and whether or not you mesh well with each other is a crucial factor, too.
I recommend scheduling consultations with a few different mental health professionals so you can have more information to make an informed decision.
Attending your first couples counseling session
Once you, your partner, and your marriage counselor mutually agree to move forward, you'll schedule your first therapy session.
This first session is often referred to as an assessment or an intake appointment. Here, your therapist will ask you and your partner(s) more questions about yourself, your history, and the relationship problems that have led you to seek therapy.
Some marriage and family therapists may also meet with each partner individually to gather even more information and build the therapeutic relationship.
Sometimes, the assessment can stretch out over the first few sessions depending on your situation and the therapist's approach. During this part of the therapeutic process, you'll also work with your counselor to build a treatment plan that outlines your goals and how you'll get there together.
What is couples therapy like?
Now you have a clearer understanding of how to start couples counseling and what the first few steps in the process consist of. But what is couples therapy actually like during the sessions themselves? The experience can vary considerably from person to person, but here's a general overview of what to expect during couples counseling sessions.
Types of couples therapy
The actual content of therapy sessions can change depending on the type of therapy you're engaging in. There are a number of different therapeutic approaches that couples therapists use, including the Gottman method, emotion-focused therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and more.
Some approaches are more structured and consist of certain exercises and homework assignments. Other styles of marital therapy are more fluid and dynamic. While these methods work differently, each can be effective in their own way.
Beyond the specific therapeutic modality, your therapist's unique approach can also influence how sessions work. Some therapists may be more direct, while others may take a warmer, gentler approach. It's important to find what works for you and your partner.
The role of the therapist
The role that therapists play during a couples counseling session can also depend on their specific approach and the type of therapy they use.
However, generally speaking, your therapist acts as a sounding board and guide for you and your partner. They'll offer objective feedback and their professional opinion about your relationship dynamics and the challenges you're facing.
Couples therapists also offer alternative perspectives to help you view your situation in a new way. While your therapist won't tell you what you need to do, they'll offer suggestions and support you and your partner throughout the process.
What you'll actually do in sessions
Each session may be different depending on your therapist's style, the therapeutic methods they use, the issues that you and your partner are dealing with, and your goals for couples counseling.
At the same time, there are many common objectives in couples therapy sessions. Here are a few examples of what you'll actually do when working with your therapist.
Learn new communication skills
Identify the root cause of relationship issues
Discuss issues in your sex life
Process past experiences that may be impacting your current challenges
Learn more about yourselves and each other
Express (and get support for) difficult emotions
All of this is typically done by talking with your therapist and your partner(s) during your session. Your counselor may also guide you through certain exercises to achieve these goals.
What to expect from couples therapy: Overall outcomes
We've touched on the logistics of starting couples counseling and what to expect in couples therapy sessions. Now, let's take a look at the big picture.
Common goals for marriage counseling
Couples seek counseling for all kinds of different reasons. Plus, your goals may change throughout your time in therapy.
At the same time, there are plenty of common outcomes for marriage counseling. Here are just a few.
Resolve conflict in a healthier, more constructive way
Improve your intimacy, including emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy
Gain a deeper understanding of your boundaries (and your partner's boundaries)
Find patterns in your relationship history and find out how it impacts your current relationship
Heal from infidelity or other breaches of trust
Decide whether or not you want to stay together and, if not, part ways peacefully
Work through differences in parenting styles
Keep in mind that this isn't an exhaustive list—there are plenty of other goals you can achieve by working with a couples counselor.
Navigating ups and downs
Healing your relationship (or mutually deciding to end things) isn't a linear process, even if you decide to work with a counselor.
It's important to be patient throughout the process, both with yourself and your partner(s). Being vulnerable is difficult, and you might have to face parts of yourself that you'd rather keep hidden.
Know that this is natural, and that the couples therapy process inherently has ups and downs. If you stay committed to the process and give yourself and your partner grace, you'll be more likely to get the most out of your experience.
Putting in the work outside of sessions
There's only so much you can get from attending sessions alone. While therapy is a safe environment for you to talk about your feelings, process your challenges, and learn new skills, you have to put in the work outside of sessions to see real results.
Applying what you've learned in therapy to real-life situations is challenging, but it'll likely feel more natural the more you practice. Plus, you'll be able to debrief about it when you attend your next session.
Ready to see for yourself? Start the couples therapy process today.
Hi! I'm Rachel Miller, an experienced couples therapist helping people in the greater Chicago area. I'm passionate about helping couples dive deep to figure out the underlying issues that impact all of their relationships: their friendships, relationships with family members, and their romantic relationship.
In addition to providing traditional couples counseling, Hold the Vision Therapy is also proud to offer polyamory therapy in Chicago. We welcome people of all genders, sexualities, and relationship styles in our practice.
Ready to get started? We're here to help you work through your relationship issues and build stronger connections than ever.