How to Build Trust After Cheating
Takeaway: Infidelity can take a serious toll on relationships. However, it doesn’t have to automatically end them. With support, intention, and effort, you and your partner can learn how to trust after cheating.
In this post, we break down how cheating impacts relationships so you and your partner can understand exactly what you’re dealing with. Plus, we provide expert tips for rebuilding trust after infidelity to give you the tools you need to move forward.
Understanding infidelity
In order to effectively heal your relationship from a breach of trust, it's important to understand exactly what infidelity is and why it occurs. Each couple's situation is different, so there's no singular cause or scenario that applies to everyone.
However, learning more about infidelity can help you find what resonates and help you make decisions about next steps. Plus, it's a powerful reminder that you're not alone.
What constitutes cheating?
First of all, what exactly is cheating? It may seem like an obvious question, but you might actually be surprised by what some people think cheating is (and isn't). For example, you might think that sleeping with someone else is universally accepted as cheating. However, this isn't always true, especially for people in polyamorous relationships.
At its core, cheating isn't so much as the specific act itself. Rather, it's about what the behavior represents: one partner violating the trust or boundaries of the other (typically involving another person).
Ultimately, it's up to each person to define what infidelity means to them. Beyond that, it's important to communicate with your partner(s) about your ideas of cheating so you can make sure that you're on the same page.
Whether this is your first time seriously thinking about what cheating is and means or you just want to better understand the concept, take a look at the examples below. While this isn't an exhaustive list, many people view these common examples as infidelity or breaches of trust.
Physical intimacy
Engaging in physical intimacy with another person is often (but not always) seen as a form of cheating in a romantic relationship. Things like kissing, sex, or even being overly "touchy" with someone else could be considered a breach of trust, depending on the boundaries of your relationship.
As we touched on earlier, sleeping with someone else isn't always cheating. As polyamory therapists in Chicago, we get that people have different relationship structures. However, there are boundaries within any relationship.
For example, you and your life partner may have agreed to have sex with other people, as long as it's outside of your friend group. If you hook up with a close friend despite this agreement, you've violated your partner's trust.
Emotional infidelity
Cheating doesn't have to be physical. For many people, emotional infidelity can even be more painful than physical infidelity. In this scenario, a partner develops a close emotional bond with someone outside of the relationship. They may talk to someone else about intimate details within your relationship, or they might develop romantic feelings for another person.
Like other forms of cheating, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what emotional infidelity consists of. For example, couples in a healthy relationship often get support from others outside of their partner. However, it may feel like your partner cheated if they continuously go to the same person for support and slowly start to pull away from your relationship.
Again, honest communication and listening to your partner's feelings is essential in this situation. If you feel betrayed by your partner's actions, know that those emotions are valid. Likewise, it's important for you to accept responsibility if your partner communicates that they are hurt by something you did.
Online cheating
As the name suggests, online cheating occurs on the internet. It might consist of sexting with people outside of the relationship, emotional cheating with people on social media, or even viewing porn or other sexually explicit material, depending on the boundaries and values in your relationship.
Some people might dismiss online cheating, claiming that it's not "real" infidelity because it's all virtual. You might assume that your partner has the same understanding of cheating as you do, but an online cheating scenario could reveal that you both have different expectations from each other.
As we've established that cheating often goes beyond physical intimacy. Any breach of trust can be damaging to a relationship, whether it happens in person or online. These are tough conversations to have, but they are essential to rebuilding trust after cheating.
Financial infidelity
Unlike the other forms of cheating we've covered, financial infidelity doesn't necessarily involve another person. Rather, it gets to the core of what cheating is: breaking trust in a relationship.
In this kind of infidelity, the cheating partner may hide financial information, engage in secret spending, or lie about their income or debt. Basically, it's being intentionally deceitful about money.
This isn't the same as agreeing to keep separate checking accounts after getting married or telling a little white lie so your partner doesn't ruin the surprise of the birthday present you bought them. Financial cheating erodes the trust that you and your partner(s) built together.
Why does cheating happen?
Every person, relationship, and situation is unique, so there's no singular reason why cheating happens. Oftentimes, there are complex, overlapping causes of infidelity. In some situations, a person may be totally unsure why they cheated.
Cheating commonly occurs when there's already some kind of disconnection in a relationship. While the faithful partner is never responsible or at fault for their partner's infidelity, they might contribute to certain unhealthy dynamics that could increase the likelihood of cheating.
Ultimately, it's up to you and your partner to discuss why the breach of trust happened. However, if you're unsure where to start, here are a few common reasons that can lead to cheating.
Lack of communication
A breakdown in communication can be a major factor in infidelity. If one or both partners are not communicating their needs, desires, or concerns effectively, it can create a sense of distance and emotional disconnection, which can lead to cheating. Plus, lack of communication makes it hard to understand how your partner's boundaries (and vice versa).
Emotional needs not being met
This lack of emotional connection can lead you or your partner to seek emotional intimacy elsewhere. For example, if you feel like you can't talk to your partner, you might lean into the special attention your coworker gives you. This can also go beyond emotional infidelity. If your physical or sexual needs aren't being met in your relationship, you might try to have those needs met elsewhere.
Boredom or lack of excitement
There are inevitable ups and downs in a relationship, and you and your partner might get stuck in a rut at some point. If a relationship becomes stagnant or routine, one or both partners may seek out excitement or novelty elsewhere. As you or your partner look for new experiences and sensations, you might be tempted to cheat.
Low self-esteem or self-worth
If you or your partner struggle with low self-esteem, you might seek validation from others outside of your relationship. At first, your partner may have been able to meet this need for you. However, if you haven't addressed the root of your self-worth issues, you might begin looking for connections with others to feel attractive or valued again.
Opportunity
Sometimes, cheating can occur simply because the opportunity presents itself. Maybe this fills an unmet need for spontaneity or feeling desired. Regardless of whether you or your partner set out with the intention to cheat, it's still important to validate this scenario as a breach of trust if you or your partner is hurt.
Learning how to build trust after cheating
Many people view cheating as a dealbreaker in a relationship. If feel this way, know that's a valid boundary to hold. At the same time, it can be possible to rebuild trust after cheating. It's up to both partners to make that commitment and put in the effort to make that happen.
Of course, there's no formula to make your partner regain trust in you or suddenly start trusting your partner again. (That would be nice, right?). However, there are some strategies you can use to work on building trust and mutual respect—both individually and together.
Rebuilding trust after cheating: Strategies for the cheating partner
While it takes time and effort, there is plenty you can do to rebuild trust in your relationship if you cheated on your partner. Keep these tips in mind as you support your partner through the intense feelings that can come along with infidelity (and likely navigate some of your own).
Take responsibility for the infidelity
As the unfaithful partner, it's important to take full responsibility for your actions. Acknowledging and validating the pain and hurt you've caused is essential if you both want to move forward. This involves being honest about what happened and expressing genuine remorse.
Be willing to answer questions
The betrayed partner may have many questions about the breach of trust, and it's important for the unfaithful partner to be willing to answer these questions honestly and openly. If you're the partner who cheated, you might feel shameful and defensive talking about your actions. While these emotions are valid, it's also important for your partner to understand what happened.
Establish clear boundaries
In order to rebuild trust after cheating, setting clear boundaries is essential. You and your partner need to be on the same page about your expectations of each other moving forward. Depending on the situation, this could involve the hurt partner being more emotionally available for the cheating partner, or the unfaithful partner cutting off contact with the person they cheated with.
Be patient and persistent
Remember, building trust after infidelity takes time and effort. If both partners agree to try, the unfaithful partner must be especially patient and persistent in their effort to regain trust. Your partner needs time to see that your actions will align with your words, and it's likely that you both will need time to shift your dynamic to make the relationship stronger. Being patient with yourself is important, too.
How to trust after cheating: Tips for the betrayed partner
It can be tough to rebuild trust after your partner's affair. At first, you might be totally unsure whether you want to try repairing the relationship or not. This is normal and it's okay for you (and your partner) to take some time to decide how you want to move forward. If you do agree to try restoring trust, here are some healthy ways you contribute to that process.
Be honest about your feelings
It's important for the hurt partner to be honest about their feelings and how the infidelity impacted them. If your partner cheated, you might feel hurt, angry, betrayed, disgusted, jealous, embarrassed, or a number of other emotions. Expressing these emotions to your partner in a constructive way is essential to regain trust.
Set clear expectations
As we discussed, infidelity can sometimes occur when the boundaries in a relationship are unclear. In order to heal from cheating and avoid similar situations in the future, you must be clear about what you expect from your partner. This can be a challenging process, especially when you're feeling vulnerable, but it's a key part of moving forward.
Practice forgiveness
Forgiveness might feel impossible, especially when you're early in the process of rebuilding trust after cheating. However, if you truly want to make the relationship work, reaching a place of forgiveness is key. This doesn't mean that you should forget what happened or condone the behavior. Instead, it's about accepting the situation and committing to move past the infidelity together.
It's also okay if you discover that you can't forgive your partner. You need to listen to your heart and be honest with yourself and your partner if you change your mind about trying to make the relationship or marriage work.
Be patient with the process
Rebuilding trust is a slow process that takes time and effort from both parties. If your partner cheats on you, it's not fair to expect yourself to move on right away. Give yourself time and space to feel your feelings, communicate with your partner, see whether your partner's actions align with the new boundaries you both set, and work together toward your shared goal.
After the affair: Rebuilding trust together
In order to regain trust after cheating, you and your partner must work together as a team. Individual strategies are important, but your relationship ultimately needs effort from both parties in order to move forward. Use these tips to help you rebuild trust together.
Avoid the blame game
As we discussed, there are certain relationship dynamics involving both partners that can ultimately lead to one partner cheating. While it's important for each person to take accountability for their own actions, it's also smart to avoid blaming each other. At the end of the day, you're both responsible for working on the relationship (if that's what you decided to do). Blaming will only get in the way of that.
Spending time together
Quality time is key in any relationship, but it's especially important to restore trust after cheating. People cheat for all kinds of reasons, but infidelity often happens when both partners already feel disconnected. Eating meals together, daily walks, and setting aside time for date nights can be great ways to focus on your relationship again.
Couples therapy
Many people seek couples counseling for support with infidelity, and for good reason! Working with a couples therapist can help you and your partner sort through your feelings about the situation, foster healthy communication, and provide professional help with rebuilding trust after cheating.
As couples therapists in Chicago, we help couples and people in polyamorous relationships learn healthy ways to heal from infidelity and other common struggles. We customize our couples counseling services to your unique needs and goals so you can get the most out of our time together.
If you and your partner want to move forward from infidelity (or need help deciding whether you want to or not), reach out for a free consultation. We look forward to connecting with you!