A Beginner’s Guide for How to Be Kinky in a Relationship

It's natural to want to switch up your sex life, especially if you've been with your partner a long time. Venturing into the territory of kinky sex can be nerve-wracking or intimidating if you've never tried it before. However, it can also be fun and exciting so long as you and your partner are on the same page about what you want.

In this post, we'll share everything you need to know about introducing kink into your relationship, including reasons why to try kink, guidance for talking to your partner about incorporating kinky sex into your relationship, and kinky sex ideas to try.

What is kink?

Kink is defined as "unconventional sexual taste or behavior." This is a somewhat loose definition, as one person's idea of kinky sex can be much different than someone else's. However, many people conceptualize kink as anything other than the "traditional" sex that occurs between two monogamous partners. More importantly, kinky sex is whatever you and your partner make it to be.

Kinky sex can often be stigmatized, either from a lack of understanding or acceptance (or both). This can make it difficult to explore or talk about kinky desires. People may be afraid of being perceived as weird, or worry if having kinky sex ideas means something is wrong with them.

However, a wide range of people practice kink for sexual pleasure. When couples consensually choose to incorporate kinky sex, they may enjoy greater physical and emotional intimacy. Practicing kink involves setting boundaries, discussing your needs and desires, and using effective communication. All of these are activities that foster closeness between partners.

What kinds of activities are part of kinky sex?

Again, there is no singular way to conceptualize kinky sex. Some people view it as anything other than "traditional" sex, while others view it as anything kind of sexual acts that create a power dynamic (think submissive role and dominant role) between the couple. If you're wondering how to get into kink, here are a few ideas to consider.

Try a different sex act

For couples contemplating how to introduce kink into a relationship, trying different sexual acts can be a place to start. For example, anal sex and oral sex are considered kinky sex ideas to some.

Explore kinky sex positions

If you and your partner are stuck in a rut, exploring different sex positions could be an easy and accessible way to ease your way into the world of kink.

Talk dirty to each other

Spice up your language in the bedroom by incorporating dirty talk. Not sure what to say? Try narrating what you're doing or tell your partner what you like about their body during sex.

Role play

Many couples enjoy the variety and excitement that role playing adds to their sex life. There are tons of different ways to incorporate role play--you and your partner can experiment to get a sense of what you like.

Other kinky sex ideas

There is no "right" or "wrong" way to practice kink, as long as both parties are consenting. Here are a few other kinky sex ideas you and your partner could incorporate: fetish play, watching porn, sex parties, sensory deprivation, or BDSM activities like light bondage or light spanking.

Benefits of incorporating kinks in a relationship

If you and your partner are considering venturing into kink, you may be interested to know that there are several upsides to doing so. Of course, your own feelings about trying kinky sex ideas trump any hypothetical gains or even research.

If you're curious to learn more, though, here are a few potential benefits that you and your partner may expect to gain from incorporating kink into your relationship.

Feel empowered about your sexuality

Learning more about your own sexual desires and exploring new ways to express yourself can help you feel more confident.

Research suggests that some people with disabilities may find bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism (BDSM; one form of kink) especially empowering. Even if you choose to engage in non kinky sex, owning your desire and sexual identity can give you a self esteem boost.

Deepen your relationship with your partner

Many people experience sex as something that goes beyond just a physical connection. The same goes for kink--if not more so. Studies show that BDSM practitioners view kink as something that's focused more on mental and emotional experiences than physical experiences.

They also view BDSM as a practice that fosters deeper relationships than "typical" sex. While everyone experiences kink differently, it may help you connect even more with your partner.

Experience emotional healing

Kink can go beyond just engaging in certain kinds of sex acts; there's a larger community that surrounds kink. Having community, especially one that discusses feelings and boundaries, can be incredibly powerful.

While practicing a kink lifestyle isn't a substitute for mental health therapy or other emotional outlets, research suggests that it can be emotionally healing. Shame, isolation, grief, and loss are all tough emotions that kink has been shown to help with.

Explore gender identity and sexual orientation

Anyone can practice kink, and it certainly doesn't determine a person's gender identity or sexual orientation. However, studies show that experimenting with kink can be an opportunity for people to explore these facets of their identity.

Kink is all about breaking the normative mold of sex, and with its emphasis on open communication, it provides a safe space for lots of people to get in touch with these parts of themselves.

How to introduce kink into a relationship

Just as there is no singular way to practice kink, there is no formula for introducing it into your relationship. However, if you and your partner are exploring kink for the first time, here are a few tips to help you get started.

Start by communicating with your partner

Communication is always key, but this is especially true when considering trying kinky sex with your partner. Kink requires a solid understanding of boundaries and consent, so it's important that you and your partner keep open, honest communication throughout the entire process.

Make sure that you're clear about your needs, desires, and expectations--and that you actively listen to what your partner's are, too.

Decide on a safe word

Part of communication involves choosing a safe word together. You and your partner can use this word when you're engaging in kinky sex to indicate when you want to stop.

Certain parts of kinky sex play (such as certain role play or fetishes) may preclude "stop" or "no" from being effective. Safe words are established before engaging in sex so that both partners have a mutual understanding of what they can say.

Do some research to start exploring kink

It's important to have a thorough understanding of what kink entails before deciding whether or not you want to try out kinks in a relationship. There are plenty of different ways to educate yourselves about kink.

Try looking up articles online, reading books about it (Fifty Shades of Grey, anyone?) or checking out different podcasts. If you know people in your life who practice kink, you can also ask them to be a resource if you both are comfortable.

Start out slowly and gradually

If you're totally new to the world of kink, it's probably smart to ease your way in. Some kinks can get pretty intense, and it might feel intimidating to a first-timer. Talk with your partner about what you both feel most comfortable starting with.

Jumping in the deep end right off can be overwhelming, and it may preclude you and your partner from wanting to try again. You can always build up to incorporate different types of kink later.

Engage in some kind of after care

After trying kinky sex for the first time, you and your partner might experience a lot of different emotions. Connecting directly after sex can help you feel connected and cared for.

After care looks different for everyone, so do what works best for you and your partner. Some examples include: cuddling, gentle touch, showering together, listening to soothing music, massage, having a snack or meal, and talking.

Debrief after your first attempt at kinky sex

Communication after sex is just as important as communication before and during sex. Make sure to check in after you and your partner try incorporating kink for the first time.

How did it feel? What worked? What would you want to try differently next time? The idea isn't to "perfect" kink, but to make sure that both of you are on the same page with whether and how to incorporate kink moving forward.

Keep an open mind

There's bound to be a learning curve as you and your partner navigate how to introduce kink into a relationship. Remember, there is no formula or rule book for how to get into kink. It's okay to be totally excited to try it then find out you don't like it.

It's also okay to try it, love it, and what to do more. Just be honest with yourself and your partner--you'll figure out what works for the both of you together.

Therapy can help you learn how to talk to your partner about your kinky sex idea (and more)

It's okay if you still feel hesitant or unsure about how to talk to your partner about how to get into kink. It can be a difficult conversation to initiate, especially if you don't know how they feel about kink or are unsure how they will react.

However, you don't have to navigate this conversation alone. Working with a couples therapist can help you learn how to communicate with your partner about anything, including your sex life.

Couples therapy provides you and your partner a safe space to express yourselves and get a sense of what you both want. It can be especially useful if you and your partner have a difference in opinion or experience intense feelings when talking about things like sex.

Therapy can help you both learn to communicate from a grounded place of connection rather than reactivity. As we've discussed, communication is essential if you choose to incorporate kink into your relationship, so you may want to consider building these skills with the help of a couples therapist.

Our team at Hold the Vision Therapy is kink friendly, and we work with monogamous couples as well as those who practice polyamory. We create a virtual therapy space that is affirming and nonjudgmental so that we can help you and your partner(s) navigate every aspect of your relationship, including your sex life.

Ready to get started? Contact us for your free consultation.